Hey space cowboys, its been awhile, huh...?

I never know when to start, when i write such journals...
I never was the best with words, even till this day.
Im driven mostly by emotion, until i eventually burnout, together with my ability of speech.
So many things happened, some that i want to address, and some that matter less - But, i want to take the time to at least explain the major reasons behind my absence. Specifically here, on deviantART, which has been a very big center of my life.
Maybe alot of what made it that way isnt here anymore, but i feel like i at least owe it to myself to talk about these feelings. 

The last couple of years, were a roller coaster that started out out joyful, and grew absolutely scary and repetitive. 

Its nothing new that i constantly went off and on due to all the obstacles i met in the span of these times.
Ever since i escaped my crazy mother, and started living with dad - I did feel a door opening, a door to freedom that finally showed me the light after constant fucking darkness. 
Ive been introduced to what its like to live. And...Realistic as it is, i got to understand the impact of it. Both the good and the bad.
After awhile of confidence and excitement of freedom and opportunities, i hit a mental realization, and took a drastic shift for the worst.  

Now was the time to think of my future.

My future....I spent all my damn life thinking i wont have a future. 
Why? I constantly lived under the impression that i wont ever live that far.
I didnt BOTHER to even think of how my life will unfold. Of how im gonna sustain myself, or how im gonna sort out my living and dreams.

I was sure, that before i reached adulthood, mother wouldve already murdered me. And when i finally escaped her, when i was finally at a safer place - Suddenly the task of thinking forward seemed like a black hole.
And i was scared of it, so much.
Its like you've lived your entire life in darkness that seeing the light for the first time blinds you.

For a long time i felt like im stuck in a limbo. I felt like my life was still in shackles. I started asking questions regarding where i am 10 years from now and i got a fucking panic attack.

 I felt scared, confused, and angry. Both at myself, at how my life turned out, for having to constantly struggle, and at the society i lived in as well. 
Which brings me to the another reason why it was so hard for me to stay online, especially here on DeviantART.

Every where i looked i saw more lost people, more negativity that didnt even allow me to have a safe place to recharge in. There was no comfort and confidence coming back here for some sort of good, because  
everything around consisted of depressed fucks that looked as if being lost and despairing is a hobby.
So many artists started treating depression like a fucking trend. And having to watch that while i was crumbling just made me want to evaporate.
I was so tired of seeing negativity spreading out everywhere; corrupting people, corrupting their art, and the masses of those who APPROVED of it. In a fit of anger i grew distant and hateful towards this community. 

Very fast, Money started being a big major problem too. Mother managed to suck us dry, and the government only helped her.
I had to help my father sustain our apartment, i had to help him sustain everything. 
Everything was expensive. Living in israel isnt living, its paying every moment of your damn life
.
I always came back, in hopes of earning from commissions, but my lack of exposure and time proved to be ineffective. for YEARS i was in dept unable to close my godamn commissions because money was ALWAYS needed. That meant work work work, i couldn't keep up, but i kept trying.

To this day i still have people who wait for their 1 year on hold commission, and fuck i am so godamn LUCKY and grateful for these patient people...Ill complete all the artworks i owe them with the most thankful heart and skill.

When the entire commission idea didn't work out, i had to think realistically and seek out a job. Ive been in labor work for over a year, And even that isnt enough.

I tried to brainstorm, to think what can i use to make an earning - And being an artist, i thought it will work in my advantage. I poisoned myself with a very bad mindset at that time... I constantly seeked exposure, i tried spreading out, i drew like crazy to keep a good following, i did all of that in hopes that my art was worth enough to be my way of earning. 
I wanted to be known, i wanted to spread joy and confidence with my artwork, i wanted to be reached out and i wanted to earn money and stability for what i love creating.
But Soon enough i got hit with the burnout, and the painful realization and reminder of the society around me, And boy how naive and disappointing i was. 
People with much less effort and skill, suddenly blew up with such insane recognition, support, money. People were achieving what i so desperately needed, without any goddamn effort. Life was dandy, they got everything handled to them, while i had to constantly struggle for it.

I've been active on the site for 7 years, ive been growing here, blooming here, yet i still was among the shadows.
I was aware that ever since wix took over, this site is a sinking ship. But i couldn't but think about all the past years...I remember, how cool it was back then to get a DD. Man, it means youre noticed! It means you get benefits! Ive been so eager to get one, that each time i had an artwork i was proud of, i hurried to share it with the Dev team.

Its only the last year or two that i finally got it. Ahaha, i...didnt even notice i had it. 
Because it changed literally nothing. My watcher count didnt drastically jump up, i didnt receive any of the wonderful comments or support. 
And while im super grateful and honored to be noticed, that wasnt my goal - I didnt seek attention. i seeked support and exposure.
The DD's i got, gave me none of that.

I got furious, i got tired of not getting the recognition i deserved, jealousy ate me alive and i got so angry and hurt thinking that my artwork wasnt "good enough" for this exposure and support, that i became blind with rage. It was a system i trusted, but couldnt control. And i felt betrayed.

I left. 


Meanwhile, IRL, Things spiraled into chaos.
We desperately needed money, we desperately needed help, people desperately needed me but my powers were running low. The hardships i faced were too heavy on my shoulders, I was torn between sustaining the family, and sustaining my mental health. And very quickly i grew to see saw myself as a complete failure.
I hated myself, i hated my work, i hated my life.

I turned into a disgusting, suicidal mess.

If it wasnt for my family, my partner, my friends and my stubborn pride to live this world like i deserve - i wouldnt have been able to get up. 
I know what i deserve, i know what i am worth, i know what my artwork is worth and i WANT to live and live HAPPY.
Im still scared of the future, but im not gonna crumble under it. Im gonna take step by step, build back any crack of confidence and rise within the ashes like a fucking proud phoenix.

I mentally beat myself up for even allowing such thoughts to surface my head. I escaped the hell hole i lived in for my entire life, i wasnt in danger anymore, i was free. And i had the entire world at my hands....
I decided to stop sitting in the shadows, to stop this fucking self pity and i took myself within my own hands. I let myself into a better environment - An environment with happy people that reminded me of the power positivity has over us. I met so many new amazing people, so many wonderful friends,   
I opened up my heart, and i let so much light in....

Now, its a pursue of happiness and dreams. Enough of this shit, enough of negativity.

I know i will fall again, i know ill have dark days, but im not gonna stay there anymore - and im not gonna allow anyone cast a shadow over me. Not my mother, not my obstacles, not my self hatred and mental illness or people who dont approve of me - No one, nothing.

Ill take your hand and slap you awake to remind you everything this life has to offer.
And with that said, im back here, with a better mind and a better vision.

I want to thank with a burning heart to all the wonderful people i met on deviantART, as well as heavily apologize for how foolishly i ran away due to my rage...  left behind amazing people i couldnt reach back because of my inactivity, That is my biggest regret. Im beyond glad that theyre still here, welcoming me back...I have alot of catching up to do. Alot of work to do.

Ill be uploading all of the artwork that gathered up in my absence, as well as setting up my patreon and Art stores. I look brightly into the future im building myself with my artwork, and i truly want to share it here with you all.

Nowdays, im more active on my twitter, over at Ronkeyroo , so if you want to catch up as well, feel free to follow me there.